


the alien conspiracy (remixed)

by Milzilla



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alien Conspiracies, Audio Format: MP3, Gen, Podcast, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, christi is a genius and i'm just piggypacking off her work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22409503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milzilla/pseuds/Milzilla
Summary: welcome to the only podcast hosted by someone who hatched from a pod. this is the alien conspiracy and i’m your host rath.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 19
Collections: RNM Fanfic Remix 2020





	1. close encounters of the blurry kind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [christchex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/christchex/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Alien Conspiracy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19993000) by [christchex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/christchex/pseuds/christchex). 



> christi; your body of work is vast and so impressive. i was absolutely spoilt for choice with this event but in the end, i wanted to pay homage to your love and championing of podfic, as well as your absolutely genius concept of michael hosting an alien conspiracy podcast. i can only hope to have done the concept justice.
> 
> housekeeping; i am, obviously, not american, so i can only apologise for sounding very australian. the recording has pitch effects that might make it difficult for people to listen to, so please be wary of that going in.

The recording of this can be found [over at Soundcloud](https://soundcloud.com/milzilla/the-alien-conspiracy/s-4kFC0).

* * *

[Intro Music.]

[A voice, manipulated so that you can’t recognise if it’s male or female.]

Welcome to the only podcast hosted by someone who hatched from a pod. This is The Alien

Conspiracy and I’m your host Rath. To start off, I'd like to thank last week's guest, my favourite former government employee and yours, Captain Private.

If you haven’t listened to the episode yet you should definitely check it out. Captain Private helped us fill in a few blanks when it comes to the US government’s own brand of Alien Hunting - and for those of you who might be new, I am _not_ referring to the hideous title given to less-than-fortunate immigrants in this country. I am of course referring to _actual_ aliens. From out of space.

We start the podcast with my new favourite segment; The Intergalactic Mailbox. Y'all are very generous with your questions _and_ opinions. I asked Vilandra to pick out some of her favourites, so hopefully she hasn’t just picked the ones where people call me a dumbass.

Our first question comes from [thewhitman] on twitter:

> Have you ever been to area 51?

[Laugh.]

No, can't say I've had the pleasure. It's not like I could get a guest tour of the place. I imagine it'd be more of a cell block tango for me. But if I disappear without warning; make sure that's the _first_ place you look.

Here's another tweet, this one's from [hardlytess]:

> omg rath and private flirted the WHOLE episode. it was so cute!!!!!! do u think they’re dating irl? omg talk about star-crossed lovers.

[A pause.]

We try not to get too personal on this podcast; an alien has to have a few secrets, y’know. But boy, that sure would be a story, huh?

And last but not least, here's an email from Kath T:

> _Dear Rath,_  
>  _What’s your stance on UFOs? I want to believe, but the pictures are always blurry or they look edited. Are UFO sightings even real, or are aliens smart enough not to get caught on tape?_  
>  _Love your show,_  
>  _Kath T_

Actually, this’ll actually lead us into something I’ve wanted to talk about.

This is something that all you Earthlings could use some help in; taking pictures of UFOs. Your history is littered with out-of-focus, one-second-too-late, and just generally _bad_ photos of alien spacecraft. How are you supposed to prove the existence of aliens when you can’t even get a picture of their car? I’m not saying that some of these weren’t real sightings; just that you’re more likely to convince the world if you can get a decent picture.

But you know what? Don’t take my word for it. Let’s ask the CIA! That’s right, the CIA has instructions on how to take a decent UFO picture. Now, these formerly-classified documents are from 1960 but that doesn’t mean they don’t have something to teach us.

Alright, let me just pull the guide up here. Let's see... number one; [ _have camera set at infinity._ ] Easy enough. You want your camera to pull in as much detail as it can and get everything in focus. None of those unidentified smudges.

Two, [ _Fast film, such as Tri X, is very good._ ] Now, remember that this was in the 60s, and film types obviously don't matter anymore. It's really just about the best kind of film for taking pics in the dark. Your generic digital camera should shoot better than Tri-X these days.

Three, [ _For moving objects shutter speeds not slower than one hundredth of a second should be used. Shutter and f-stop combination will depend upon lighting conditions; dusk, cloudy day, bright sunlight, etc. If your camera does not require such settings, just take pictures._ ] You photography nerds will know this; slow shutter speed means longer exposure, which means more motion blur. You wanna mitigate that with high ISO and fast shutter speed.

Four, [ _Do not move camera during exposure_ ].

[Pause.]

Wow. Genius.

Five, [Take several pictures of the object; as many as you can. If you can, include some ground in the picture of the UFO.] Uh… to prove what? Oh, huh. Here's why.

Six, blah blah change your location on the ground, pictures from different place, establish a baseline to help with technical analysis of your photos. There you go.

Seven, basically uhh take a panorama of your surroundings once the UFO is gone.

The last three are about film negatives, which obviously aren't going to be applicable these days. Imagine getting all those good snaps and then getting home to realise your negatives are all ruined. These days you just have to remember to upload shit to the cloud and you’re fine.

So Kath, I hope this has helped somewhat. I really think that all y’all need is a half-decent camera and some determination. Although, all of this is useless if the ship has any kind of cloaking or shield technology. If that’s the case; you're fucked. Uh, do we have the technology?

[A pause.]

I’ll never tell.

And that’s all we have time for today, folks. Remember to subscribe wherever fine podcasts can be found. Check out the Patreon for those fun extras we talked about last episode, including the bonus reel of Vilandra insulting me.

As always, I’ve been your host, Rath. Remember to be kind to your friendly neighbourhood alien, and keep on believin’.

[Outro Music].


	2. mars needs women (to not be so sexualized)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's no recording for this addition; sorry!! also, if i had the time, i would absolutely write you an essay on the sexualization of female aliens in media, in the style of isobel evans. alas, for the moment, we can only imagine it.

[Intro Music.]

[A voice, manipulated so that you can’t recognize if it’s male or female.]

Welcome to the only podcast hosted by someone who hatched from a pod. This is The Alien Conspiracy and I’m your host, Vilandra. That’s right; [redacted]’s letting me guest host this little podcast of his as a gift to all you Patreon supporters out there. No, I can’t believe people give him money for this either.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? My name is Vilandra and I am [redacted]’s sister. I know you’re dying to know, so I’ll tell you; yes, we really are siblings.

[A pause.]

Oh alright, _and_ aliens. If you don’t believe that, then I’m not sure why you’re here. You know, I really thought he was crazy when he first told me about this idea of his but a bunch of you _really_ seem to enjoy it. Alien conspiracies don’t interest me in the slightest but [redacted] does need someone here to watch him while he records these things. _Someone_ has to make sure that he doesn’t spill all the alien secrets, or commit too many alien faux pas. Besides, I’ve needed the distraction ever since -- well, anyway.

[redacted] said I should read some of these tweets. Usually _I_ pick out the tweets for him so god only knows what kind of job he’s done with this. Honestly, before he started this thing he was kind of a luddite. No computer. Never answered his phone; a flip phone, if you can believe it. Now he’s checking twitter and answering my calls. Who knew that a semi-autobiographical podcast was all it would take?

Oh, right. Here’s a tweet from [camwing]:

> if u guys are refugees, why did u come to earth? what were ur lives like on ur planet?

Hm, no idea, i’m afraid. Refugees don’t usually have much of a choice when it comes to the direction they flee in, and I imagine there’s even less choice when you’re fleeing through space. Our doomed flight led us to this planet and that’s the reality we live in. This is the only planet with Rihanna though, so I'm not too bummed about it.

As for our previous lives; we don’t remember anything from before we came out of those pods [redacted] mentioned. Whatever we were, it can’t have been that great if the better alternative was to crash land on this planet.

Listen, being an alien refugee isn’t all glamour and glitz.

[A pause.]

That’s all personality, babes. One more tweet, this one’s from [bdavis]:

> Who is your favourite fictional alien?

Ooh. Supergirl, obviously. A smart, hot blonde torn with crazy cool powers, trying to keep her identity a secret while changing minds and influencing people? I love the sound of that.

Now, there’s something I’d like to talk about; alien women in media. [redacted] said I should pick an alien topic to talk about so why not that?

[From the distance: Vilandra, you have to stop saying [redacted]. The editing on this episode is going to be hell].

I’m so sorry, _Rath_. I’m about to spice up your podcast with something a little more interesting than Roswell conspiracy theories and taking pictures of UFOs. Less complaining and more being grateful, please.

[Distant mumbling].

Exactly. Where was I? Oh, yes. Let’s talk about how damn sexualized female aliens are in comparison to their male companions.


End file.
